BuddyTex

just made it out of the talking stage (i got defederated)

tearfully waving out the train window as my 7-ft tall wife runs alongside

45 minutes later

she’s still keeping pace. everyone on the train is screaming. i’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. police helicopters circle overhead

inflation’s been hitting

hard

“OK, WHO DID THIS 🤣🤣🤣” quote-posted the alt account of the man who did this

i have grieved discontinued Taco Bell menu items harder than erika kirk has grieved her dead husband

The turkey enters the kitchen, flanked by two attendants. It wears a garlic mala and is astonishingly beautiful. there on the kitchen floor is me ensconced in a massive lotus, in which i am reciting an intoxicating wasan in the native wago language. the turkey walks in and approaches me in a stately fashion as i do this, and, at the rehearsed lines from the turkey's attendants about it being time for Thanksgiving, the turkey produces a blade..

since we can’t use plastic straws anymore i’ve just been choking turtles with my bare hands

I hope this email finds you well, hunts you down, and kills you.

before the day is over just wanted to say happy international women's day, especially to blondes

oh btw

you know your fedi mutual ‘dave’ you friended during the M24 gab exodus wave but who hasn’t logged on in 378 days.

i ran into him yesterday. he told me to tell you “everything is beautiful and nothing hurts” whatever that means. some kinda sigma code? ya’ll nerds..

if you walk into a public bathroom and observe a man grunting at the urinal, it’s a bit gauche to pick the unit next to him and have a peek.

instead, try picking a urinal on the opposite side and yell across to him “Hope you pass that stone, king.”

"you guys post for free??" yeah not most of us no. but

has been deferring my contract payout for years so, kind of

fred durst voice ITS ALL ABOUT THE HE SELLS SEA SHELLS BULLLLLLSHIT!

she/sells (gender pronouns) sea shells (autonomous zone currency) down by the she shore (lesbian island)

she/sells (gender pronouns) sea shells (autonomous zone currency) down by the she shore (lesbian island)

a bird in the hand is worth two for PIDGR Pro users who are approved for the PIDGR visa rewards card, and they get 5% cashback on future birds, plus "early bird" access to sales*

*early bird exclusions apply, see worms and conditions for details

[

CONTENT ]

listen up hoes. we are no longer allowed to ‘mute‘ conversations on NCD and must henceforth submit a HELPDESK TICKET to request an unfollow. you miserable unwashed mutuals are about to learn the meaning of the phrase "malicious compliance"

My queen.

[logs into nicecrew, sees 20+ notifications from

]

i don’t deserve this. i’m normal.

the first rule of fight club is no fighting

[logs onto patriots.win]

[owning the libs in a private ceremony]

congress should pass my balls. my big, beautiful balls

Oz invited me to the next SOTU because i qualified for medicaid for eroding a shitload of rocks with my gigantic ass last quarter

poasts again. the ncd janitors are unionizing

i don’t just do murder. i commit.

elon musk looked disgusting--navel protruding--in his black shirt before the rally. very very disrespectful.

anyone else notice how the premise for divorce in like 1 out of every 2 family/comedy movie from the 90s is that the dad works too hard and provides too well?

actually in the UK i take the milves to kilogramtown

the blabbers who have been on NCD for 18 days are approaching the people who have been on NCD for only 12 days and turning a chair backwards to sit down and give the "straight dope" like a cool teacher.

the blabbers who have been on NCD for years are yelling "TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AND THROW THEM IN A PILE" like an 80s scared straight video. but mostly to see more feet.

bad news, guys. my 7-ft tall wife left me. she said she lost herself in our marriage. i asked her if she tried looking up. that’s what i usually have to do to find her

sitting down

for the ‘burts and the bees’ talk

happy memorial day

just called some ingredients "breakfast assets" and now i need to give

my two-week notice at PIDGR and be rescued from the tech bro industry stat

Mavis Beacon responds to downward market pressures and declining stock value; pivots from typing and clerical educational products to teaching guerrilla warfare tactics to the Mujahideen

then: so are you on social media?

(thinking about all his poasts): …No.

(white house physician to joe biden)

“you can’t stop progress”

the latest LMA and Dave collab

hey guys, please don’t get too attached to yet another pope who is clearly on his last legs. if you're gonna keep adopting elderly rescue cats don't act all upset when they keep dying. get a baby one like the buddhists do

the jedi could've stopped Anakin from becoming a sith simply by being like five percent less shitty to him at any point in his life

Computer Monitor Pitch Meeting:

“Ok and then we’re gonna make these HDMI cables for them. but we’re not going to include these HDMI cables with the monitor. and the packaging will say ‘uses HDMI’. but these HDMI cables won’t really be HDMI cables because only one side of the cable will be HDMI. the other side will be this fucked up asymmetrical output that nobody ever just has laying around their house. they’ll only have 12 normal HDMI cables laying around - which you can’t use one these monitors of course. oh no, sir. but we’ll still call them HDMI cables to lull the purchaser into the false sense of assurance that they’ve got enough HDMI cables at home that they falsely believe they can use to plug into our monitors. our customers are gonna go bananas for this. just absolutely lose their shit.”

alwyas turns to vandalism whenever anything’s just not exactly perfect

the 100 men vs 1 gorilla debate is pretty based if you think about it ok stop thinking about it

BREAKING: italian resident

is reportedly papal front runner

judas: the one i kiss will be Jesus Christ

soldier: ok great, then we’ll-wait what?

tiktok account posting videos of anti-musk fermin destroying EV shai-huluds

me and

terrorizing the southern region of Arrakis committing grand theft annelid

sexually he identifies as a sucka MC

having a cold beer in the lounge while my roomba and smart applicances have a threesome in the room next door

(trapt guy at band meeting): bad news everyone. ive written another song

me, collecting more followers.

my miserable, petulant followers..

🎶and all the girlies say, i’m pretty:

nobody:

bostondave: feetwood mac.

she tokenize my login til my cookies expired

workshopping number sequences on my T100 that spell AUTOPENIS when flipped upside down brb

Why did Joe Biden use an auto-pen so often? Especially for documents of major significance. The former President should do a live interview and answer that question. Do you agree?!

gonna end all of my opinions that obviously align to NCD user values with “Do you agree?!”

#nicecrewai

Top 5 songs about the end. An Andrew Torba Gab tribute list, okay? Okay. Leader of the Pack. The guy fuckin' beefs it on his motorcycle and dies, right? Dead Man's Curve. Jan & Dean. Tell Laura I Love Her. That would bring the house down - his gay brother could sing it. You know what I'd want? One Step Beyond by Madness. And, uh, You Can't Always Get What You Want.

TWO MORE WEEKS

[jan on gab voice] "... and these settings require people to follow you in order to see your posts, so you have to approve their follow request for them to talk to you. and if you don’t feel like arguing you can set a post to ‘followers-only’ but if you do post publicly users who are mentioned by another user in your comments can see those comments along with all the other comments, except when they can’t, which is basically half the time. that’s when you have to use quote-posting. now here's where it gets tricky..."

me (seeing the mushroom cloud in the distance and quickly typing something on the computer before the blast wave hits)

me (poasting): send milves

they call me the bidet because i piss back

youre next lurk

If you drink even one (1) sparkling water, you become the 1% and i tell Luigi on you

filtering out posts above 6 characters in length so that i have a social media experience similar to the diet of a blue whale

[hipster guy who was at the sermon on the mount] yeah, you really had to see him live, it was much better live, the gospels don't really do it justice, none of those guys can really capture what it was like to be there, he actually asked me to be a disciple but I didnt really want to get involved in that whole scene, you know

it’s a water bed