Hoss "Sneed (Formerly Chuck)” Delgado

BASED BALLOT SPEEDRUN WR ATTEMPT (ANY% NO TAXES / JUDGE PURGE)

be me election day enter polling place at 5 PM old lady hands me ballot timer starts

PAGE 1: GOVERNOR / SENATE / HOUSE / LOCAL OFFICES literally who skip skip skip not even reading the names democracy is a beautiful institution but I have somewhere to be

PAGE 2: REFERENDUMS PROPOSITION 1: SHALL THE COUNTY AUTHORIZE A 0.25% INCREASE IN— NO PROPOSITION 2: SHALL THE SCHOOL DISTRICT ISSUE BONDS TO— NO PROPOSITION 3: SHALL THE MUNICIPALITY LEVY AN ADDITIONAL— NO PROPOSITION 4: SHALL THE— NO don't even finish reading it if the government is asking me for money the answer is no tax referendum section completed in 8.4 seconds new personal best

PAGE 3: JUDICIAL RETENTION oh baby SHALL JUDGE ROBERT J. ANDERSON BE RETAINED IN OFFICE? NO SHALL JUDGE MARY E. WILLIAMS BE RETAINED IN OFFICE? NO SHALL JUDGE THOMAS P. MURPHY BE RETAINED IN OFFICE? NO SHALL JUDGE— NO no idea who any of these people are don't know their records don't know their political affiliations don't even know what courts they serve on all I know is that they currently have jobs and I have been given the opportunity to take those jobs away political science professors call this the exercise of popular sovereignty I call it the annual performance review everybody gets fired

flip ballot over one more judge on the back nice try asshole NO

insert ballot into scanner WARNING: YOU HAVE LEFT SEVERAL CONTESTS BLANK I am aware ARE YOU SURE YOU WISH TO CAST THIS BALLOT? YES ballot accepted stop timer

00:43.27 HOLY SHIT WORLD RECORD

poll worker asks if I had any trouble voting "No, ma'am. Extremely productive election." walk out having expressed absolutely no preference for who should govern me, but an extraordinarily strong preference for who shouldn't have my money or remain employed in the judiciary

political affiliation: NO policy platform: NO judicial philosophy: NO campaign slogan: NO

mfw I have successfully participated in representative democracy without representing a single affirmative opinion

get home check speedrun leaderboard run rejected apparently "Ballot Any%" requires voting in at least one candidate race fucking moderators submit appeal NO

write thousands of words of AI fanfiction about a game I've never played because I was bored and thought the characters were cool try playing the game and walk away dissatisfied because the characters don't match the clanker canon that only exists in my ChatGPT history Sam Altman cackles from his lair as datacenters empower my autism to ruin video games before I play them.

Whoever has already lost NNN and is lying about it, just remember: You can hide the Trvth from us, but you cannot hide it from your dead grandparents looking down from heaven.

Ethan admits he is full of jewish porn demons.

Hila Klein's fashion company completely sells out of $85.00 "Dump Him" cashmere sweater I don't think a more jewish couple has ever existed in all of human history.

author writes mysterious shit people spend years constructing coherent explanations read their theories quietly incorporate best ideas into sequel fans praise genius foreshadowing I wonder how many authors engage in this kind of literary insider trading.

be me Bashar al-Assad former President of the Syrian Arab Republic current resident of the Russian Federation occupation: unemployed living arrangements: Vladimir Putin's guest bedroom 2024 was a rough year lost country lost government lost army lost presidential palace still have Steam account it's not all bad

wake up at 1:47 PM Putin already left for work check phone 67 notifications about Syria mute check Steam downloads War Thunder update finished excellent

walk downstairs in slippers Russian presidential security detail watching me microwave yesterday's pelmeni one of them used to be responsible for nuclear launch authentication now he's responsible for making sure I don't eat Putin's yogurt history is a cruel mistress

spend four hours playing Hearts of Iron IV pick Syria game says country has insufficient industrial capacity uninstall

Putin comes home at 9 PM "Bashar, what did you do today?" "Mostly strategic planning." "For what?" "My next campaign." "What campaign?" "Ranked Counter-Strike." he sighs asks if I've considered finding something productive to do tell him I was president for 24 years "And how did that work out?" silence

next morning Putin leaves a job application on the kitchen counter apparently a Moscow ophthalmology clinic has an opening actually have the qualifications first serious employment opportunity in decades Google my name first result is Wikipedia second result is International Criminal Court decide to remain unemployed

start spending more time on /pol/ see thread about how I was secretly a geopolitical mastermind reply "thank you" immediately called a glowie can't even get respect on 4chan

one night Putin invites Lukashenko over finally someone who understands my situation tell him about my struggles adapting to civilian life he nods sympathetically then reminds me he's still president unbelievably smug Belarusian bastard

begin maintaining an extensive daily routine 2 PM: wake up 2:30 PM: breakfast 3 PM: check Syrian news 3:02 PM: close Syrian news 3:05 PM: play video games 7 PM: order shawarma 9 PM: argue with strangers about Syrian history 11 PM: watch documentaries about the Roman Empire 4 AM: sleep

Putin increasingly concerned about my lifestyle tells me a man needs purpose suggests writing memoirs great idea actually start manuscript "My Struggle" Putin immediately tells me to change the title apparently already taken

try starting a YouTube channel "Former Dictator Reacts to HOI4 Syria Speedrun" get 43 views 17 of them are probably Western intelligence agencies one commenter asks why I didn't just build more civilian factories block him

eventually Putin confronts me "Bashar, you cannot spend the rest of your life sitting in my guestroom playing computer games." "Why not?" "You are a former head of state." "Exactly. I'm retired." "You're 61." "Early retirement. Very competitive benefits." "You lost your country." "And yet my housing expenses are zero."

he rubs his temples asks if I'm at least planning to contribute to groceries tell him Syria and Russia have a historic strategic partnership he says that isn't what he asked

next week Putin changes WiFi password says I can have it back after I do something productive remind him I used to command an entire national military he hands me a vacuum cleaner "Then you should have no trouble commanding this."

tfw went from ruling 23 million people to being told to clean my room by Vladimir Putin tfw Russian security apparatus has become my personal parental controls tfw I have no country, no job, and no girlfriend outside of marriage tfw somehow still living in a nicer house than 99.9% of /pol/

life could be worse

hear Putin yelling from downstairs "BASHAR, DID YOU EAT MY YOGURT AGAIN?"

the regime has fallen the NEET endures

I wonder what Assad is up to these days. Is he just living the NEET life chilling on Putin's couch?

Larry Ellison plays Mass Effect

be Larry Ellison grandson makes you play Mass Effect says it's about saving the galaxy from genocidal machines sounds like typical sci-fi slop learn every advanced civilization uses the same mass relay network infrastructure was built by a mysterious precursor civilization nobody knows who owns it every government, military, and corporation depends on it lean forward "Is there a competing provider?" "No." "Interesting."

learn the Reapers built the relays deliberately they seeded the galaxy with ready-made FTL infrastructure so emerging civilizations would develop along predictable technological pathways customers never even consider building independent transit systems because why would they the proprietary solution is already installed GALAXY-WIDE VENDOR LOCK-IN WITHOUT A SINGLE SALES CALL mass relays route all galactic traffic through vendor-defined chokepoints can't build a new highway without an ancient machine god's approval "That's not a monopoly. That's an ecosystem." "This is beautiful."

learn the Citadel is the galactic capital also built by the Reapers also secretly a remote-access backdoor once customers reach sufficient technological maturity, vendor takes over the control plane shuts down transportation and communications isolates each civilization systematically harvests them repeats every 50,000 years Larry puts down his drink "They have a fifty-thousand-year recurring revenue model?" "Grandpa, they're killing everyone." "I heard you. I'm asking about their retention strategy."

the Reapers then leave all the infrastructure intact new civilizations discover it build their entire economies around it eventually migrate their governments onto the Citadel literally onboarding themselves zero marketing budget zero competitive pressure customer acquisition automated across geological time the customers even invent new technology for the Reapers to harvest R&D OUTSOURCED TO THE CUSTOMER BASE discover harvested civilizations are processed into new Reapers THE CUSTOMERS BECOME THE NEXT GENERATION OF SERVERS completely closed-loop manufacturing every renewal cycle expands infrastructure capacity "Sustainable growth." "Grandpa, they're liquefying people." "You already mentioned that." "Why didn't I think of this?"

meet Sovereign single Reaper left behind to monitor galactic development basically one account manager for the entire galaxy tells everyone his existence is beyond their comprehension "Excellent premium branding." learn Reapers can indoctrinate people into advancing their agenda self-recruiting channel partners customers become physically incapable of switching vendors "Remarkable customer loyalty."

then some asshole named Commander Shepard starts asking questions discovers the Citadel's undocumented administrative functionality informs customers about the hidden decommissioning clause Citadel Council dismisses Shepard's warnings because the existing system works fine customer submits catastrophic security vulnerability report vendor-aligned governance committee categorizes it as user error "Now THAT is enterprise support." kills Sovereign destroys a Reaper-linked processing facility starts convincing the galaxy to abandon the ecosystem "Who is this criminal?" "The protagonist." "He's attacking critical infrastructure!"

Mass Effect 3 Reapers finally arrive to execute their scheduled 50,000-year customer lifecycle refresh Shepard organizes an armed revolt against the service provider develops the Crucible a massive open-source workaround assembled by people with no vendor certification intended to override Reaper firmware "This is why you never give end users root access."

the Catalyst explains the Reapers preserve organic civilizations by harvesting them before they destroy themselves Larry nods "Mandatory lifecycle management bundled with business continuity. Genius." "TRILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE DEAD." "Well, yes. The migration process could use some work."

Shepard destroys the Reapers galactic monopoly dismantled 50,000-year billing cycle terminated entire proprietary ecosystem irreparably disrupted grandson cheers Larry stares at the credits in horror "The villain won." "SHEPARD SAVED THE GALAXY." "From what? Standardized infrastructure? Guaranteed interoperability?"

silence "Their only mistake was giving away the relays for free." "What?" "Should've charged per jump." asks grandson whether the Reapers have a legal department "No." "Imagine the margins."

calls Oracle headquarters at 2 AM "Gentlemen, I've just seen the future of enterprise software." "How far in the future, sir?" "Fifty thousand years. And we're already behind."

We must prioritize our yuropoor brethren above all others.

the virgin individual responsibility fan

"Sons should not be punished for the crimes of their fathers!" believes criminal responsibility should be individual "Every man must answer for his own actions!" thinks the purpose of punishment is justice doesn't understand the purpose of punishment is making sure people don't do things father commits horrific crime son gets to live a normal life father is already in prison and therefore doesn't particularly care "Well, at least we upheld an important moral principle." crime continues writes 400-page dissertation on the philosophy of justice receives standing ovation at European human rights conference

THE CHAD HEREDITARY LIABILITY ENJOYER

"If you commit a crime, your sons will also be punished." refuses to elaborate crime rate immediately collapses every father in the country abruptly becomes the most law-abiding citizen in human history man considers embezzling public funds remembers his 8-year-old son is going to prison with him immediately returns the money merchant considers cheating his customers looks at portrait of his three beautiful children decides to become the most scrupulously honest merchant in the empire local magistrate considers accepting a bribe his wife reminds him that their newborn son would also be liable magistrate develops an almost supernatural commitment to public integrity nobody even remembers what corruption looks like anymore

virgin philosopher arrives to protest "THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! THE CHILDREN ARE INNOCENT!" chad administrator nods "Yes." "YOU CANNOT PUNISH AN INNOCENT PERSON!" "Ideally, we never have to." "THAT'S NOT HOW JUSTICE WORKS!" "Correct. This is how fathers work."

virgin desperately tries explaining the difference between moral culpability and deterrence chad is busy examining the crime statistics has achieved levels of paternal behavioral modification previously thought impossible entire empire now effectively policed by fathers terrified of disappointing their children every family dinner is a miniature ethics committee father gets drunk and considers fighting a stranger his 12-year-old son immediately intervenes "DAD I HAVE SCHOOL ON MONDAY" fight averted

chad eventually discovers a problem childless men the last remaining criminal demographic introduces supplementary liability for nephews national association of uncles immediately petitions for clarification men begin holding family reunions specifically to establish who is legally responsible for whose bullshit entire extended families become mutual surveillance networks grandfather discovered to be considering fraud scheme seventeen descendants simultaneously tackle him

virgin returns with a devastating objection "WHAT IF A FATHER DOESN'T LOVE HIS CHILDREN?" chad pauses this is actually a legitimate problem appoints commission to investigate commission concludes that some men are indeed terrible fathers chad reluctantly admits the system isn't perfect virgin thinks he's finally won

chad announces that the punishment will now extend to the father's own father grandfathers across the empire immediately begin supervising their adult sons again 87-year-old man travels 400 miles to beat some sense into his 53-year-old son "YOU ARE NOT GETTING ME EXECUTED OVER A FUCKING PYRAMID SCHEME, ROBERT"

crime rate falls another 12%

virgin weeping chad publishing his findings under the title "THE FAMILY AS AN INSTRUMENT OF STATE COMPLIANCE: PRELIMINARY RESULTS"

entire civilization has become one enormous intergenerational HOA nobody commits crimes human civilization enters an era of unprecedented peace, prosperity and integrity the Emperor is delighted

Mass Effect fan fiction where Richard Stallman saves the galaxy before the Reapers ever show up because he recognized the mass relay network and Citadel as components of a massive ancient alien proprietary lock-in scheme.

be 19yo MIGApede who just discovered politics last year
scroll twitter and see boomers posting about "based Dick Cheney"
tfw I thought Cheney was the guy from the meme where he shoots his friend in the face
apparently he was also the architect of the forever war
but it's based now because Iran bad
ask my dad what the GWOT was
he just stares into the distance for 45 seconds then mutters "Fallujah" and walks away
zoomers in the replies saying "we need to finish what Bush started"
mfw these same accounts spent 2024 saying "Trump will end the forever wars"
Trump: "I will never start a war with Iran"
2026: "actually invading Iran is based and necessary for the golden age"
young right-wingers now doing the exact same "support the troops / spread democracy / they hate us for our freedom" routine their dads did in 2003
except this time it's to own the libs by supporting the guy who spent 20 years as the face of neocons
Cheney image rehabilitation arc going harder than Trump's
"he was right about everything"
brother you were a toddler when he left office
you don't remember the war, you just remember the memes
now you're out here writing essays about how the Project for a New American Century was actually based
mfw the cycle continues and the next generation will be rehabilitating whoever starts the next one
this is fine
send more green arrows for the based neocons

And a good morning to you too, man who is still trying to break into my Microsoft account.

This is the weirdest bodycam footage I've ever watched. What the actual fuck is going on here?

Israeli politicians currently fighting a shadow war over who can rig their own election the hardest.

BREAKING: HECKIN' BASEDERINO "RIGHT-WING" FOID BETRAYS EVERYBODY. AGAIN.

Racist cops arrest innocent black woman who really, really needs to get to a funeral for her classmate or whatever.

be Chinese gacha developer in 2016 corporate wants to break into the untapped American market need to figure out what American gamers actually like marketing department commissions extensive research results come back Americans like guns Americans like anime girls Americans are deeply suspicious of their government Americans love conspiracy theories Americans have an almost religious appreciation for the military-industrial complex Americans fucking LOVE Metal Gear Solid Chinese writing team stares at the data

"Gentlemen, I believe we can work with this."

introduce Girls' Frontline setting is a post-apocalyptic geopolitical hellscape where the world's governments, intelligence agencies, megacorporations, and private military companies are all engaged in approximately ten million overlapping conspiracies every organization has a secret agenda every secret agenda is actually a cover for another secret agenda every intelligence officer is a triple agent every corporation is committing crimes against humanity every government is either terminally incompetent or actively malicious the United States and Russia are somehow still finding ways to fuck with each other after civilization has practically collapsed the entire geopolitical situation reads like somebody fed Tom Clancy's collected works into a wood chipper with the complete script of Metal Gear Solid 4

and YOU? you're a PMC commander you command an army of beautiful women except they're not technically women they're android personifications of firearms your M4A1 is a cute anime girl your AR-15 is a cute anime girl your M1911 is a cute anime girl your M249 SAW is a cute anime girl your fucking Mosin-Nagant is a cute anime girl

the writing team has effectively asked the American male psyche one question

"What if your gun safe transformed into a harem of beautiful women, and they were the only people in the entire world you could trust?"

holy fucking shit

you are literally the protagonist of a Hideo Kojima fever dream the government wants you dead the corporations want to exploit you the intelligence agencies are manipulating you the international political order is held together by duct tape, blackmail, and war crimes but your beloved Springfield M1903 will always have your back she also makes excellent coffee

your HK416 has abandonment issues your M16A1 has PTSD your UMP45 is involved in seventeen conspiracies of her own your M4A1 is experiencing the kind of existential identity crisis that normally requires a forty-minute codec conversation your AR-15 is a walking Second Amendment argument with thighs

the game alternates between collecting cute gun waifus and uncovering horrifying geopolitical conspiracies one minute you're giving your favorite raifu a wedding ring the next you're reading a six-thousand-word intelligence briefing about a clandestine operation involving rogue military units, artificial intelligence, corporate espionage, and the consequences of mankind's technological hubris

your waifu is crying the soundtrack is depressing an intelligence official is explaining why twelve thousand civilians had to die for reasons of national security the organization responsible is secretly being manipulated by another organization that organization is actually being manipulated by someone who died three years ago

it's Metal Gear Solid except instead of Snake having an M1911, Snake is dating the M1911

and somehow against all conceivable expectations IT FUCKING WORKS

Girls' Frontline becomes one of the early breakout Chinese gacha successes among American weebs entire communities of Americans become emotionally attached to anthropomorphic firearms the country that invented the AR-15 now has people arguing online about whether AR-15 is wife material American gun enthusiasts begin learning anime terminology American anime enthusiasts begin learning the difference between direct impingement and short-stroke gas pistons

/k/ and /v/ experience an unprecedented cultural exchange

meanwhile some Chinese executive is staring at the American engagement statistics "So our market research was correct?" "Yes, sir." "They actually want to romance their firearms?" "Apparently more than anything." "And the geopolitical conspiracy storyline?" "They say it reminds them of Kojima." "Who?" "The Japanese developer." "..." "Sir?" "Never mention that part again."

mfw Chinese developers successfully penetrated the American gaming market by creating a world where the government is evil, corporations are evil, intelligence agencies are evil, everyone is lying, and the only things worthy of a man's unconditional love are his guns

THEY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO MAKE AMERICAN PROPAGANDA

THEY JUST MADE THE AVERAGE AMERICAN GUN OWNER'S INNER MONOLOGUE INTO A GACHA GAME

be me playing Hoyoverse games notice a curious pattern every game gets Fantasy China and Fantasy Japan Fantasy China is an ancient civilization of wisdom, prosperity, competent leaders, and unfathomable power Fantasy Japan is written by a Chinese nationalist who has been instructed by HR to remain professional

look at Genshin Liyue is a wealthy, harmonious society founded on divine contracts and millennia of philosophical tradition its god is a 6,000-year-old gigachad who could beat most of the continent to death with a mountain its leaders are brilliant merchants and immortal sages even the accountants are hot the entire nation is basically a Confucian LinkedIn success story every public servant has a tragic backstory explaining why they're so qualified

meanwhile Inazuma isolationist authoritarian police state civil war economy in shambles its aristocratic clans spend more time betraying one another than governing even the weather is attempting to kill you government literally arrests people for having ambitions its god is a depressed NEET who outsourced governance to a homicidal robot and locked herself in her bedroom for 500 years you can practically hear the Chinese writers laughing "AND THEN WE MAKE THE JAPANESE GOVERNMENT CONFISCATE PEOPLE'S DREAMS!" "HAHAHAHA WRITE THAT DOWN"

marketing department enters "Just a reminder, guys, we still need to sell Japanese character banners." audible sound of chopsticks snapping

writers begrudgingly create Yae Miko manipulative fox woman who's supposed to be an insufferable schemer unfortunately she's the only person in the archipelago with a functioning brain accidentally becomes insanely likable the writers tried to make her a smug menace accidentally invented the one adult in a nation governed by emotionally unstable immortals also forced to humanize the authoritarian robot give her trauma, a redemption arc, and an adorable weakness for sweets marketing: "The banners will print money!" writers: "This is not what we intended."

fast-forward to Honkai: Star Rail Fantasy China is now the Xianzhou Alliance ancient interstellar civilization of immortal warriors, magnificent fleets, and strategic geniuses their generals play 9D chess against cosmic threats Chinese historical epic IN SPACE the ships are basically flying palaces stuffed with poets, bureaucrats, and people who can bisect a battleship

writers hold an emergency meeting "Gentlemen, what if this time we simply don't HAVE a Space Japan?" "Elaborate." "We establish that Space Japan existed. We describe its glorious samurai civilization. Then we fucking annihilate it before the game even starts." standing ovation

invent Izumo ancient civilization fights a nightmarish war against supernatural horrors fashions god-killing swords from the corpses of fallen deities every time they invent a new sword, the situation gets worse local history reads like a failure cascade with impeccable art direction everything gets progressively worse entire civilization erased from existence not occupied not conquered ERASED

writers celebrate can't be forced to make sympathetic Japanese characters if there are no Japanese characters checkmate marketing head writer submits the script, certain he has finally defeated monetization

marketing department enters "We need a purple-haired samurai waifu for the next banner." "WE DESTROYED SPACE JAPAN." "Okay, make her a survivor." "THERE ARE NO SURVIVORS." "Then make her the only survivor. That's an excellent character hook."

collective aneurysm now they have to explain how one woman survived the complete destruction of her civilization can't just make her a random swordswoman she lived through a war against literal gods therefore she has to be unimaginably powerful give her a sword that can cut reality itself make her an Emanator of Nihility introduce Acheron, a walking cosmic catastrophe with a katana one of the strongest characters in the setting entire existence is a philosophical meditation on oblivion also a ridiculously marketable purple-haired sword waifu

marketing: "PERFECT." writers: "SHE REPRESENTS THE TOTAL ANNIHILATION OF AN ENTIRE CIVILIZATION." marketing: "And she has a fantastic silhouette!" "HER EXISTENCE IS A TESTAMENT TO THE INEVITABILITY OF DEATH." "Can we give her a cool ultimate animation?"

mfw trying to avoid writing a likable Japanese civilization accidentally created the ultimate Japanese power fantasy mfw their act of fictional geopolitical spite produced a samurai woman who can cut spacetime in half mfw the banner prints money

somewhere in Hoyoverse HQ, a writer stares silently at Acheron's sales projections "Next time we're destroying the metaphysical concept of Japan itself." marketing: "Great. Could we have two survivors?"

OHIO I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD DON'T ELECT THIS STREET SHITTER HE WANTS TO BECOME PRESIDENT AND TURN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY INTO GODDAMN INDIA

I really respect the grind Asmongold has cultivated where he spends 30% of his stream monetizing gladiatorial combat with people from his chat and then banning them. It's based.

Trump's final card to boost support from his base is successfully deporting Ilhan Omar. It's the Hail Mary play for MAGA.

be american wake up at 6:30 AM alarm clock rings screen asks if I'd like to leave a tip 15% | 20% | 25% select 20% alarm thanks me for supporting hardworking alarm clocks get out of bed wife says good morning hand her $5 she looks offended apparently 20% is customary for a good morning kiss give her another $3 marriage saved

go to bathroom toilet has touchscreen "It's going to ask you a question" 25% | 30% | 35% select custom tip enter $0 toilet refuses to flush god bless america

get dressed shirt has QR code on collar "Enjoying your outfit? Show your appreciation!" tip shirt $4 pants demand $6 don't tip socks feel guilty about it all morning

go downstairs wife made breakfast eggs and bacon pay $12 she flips iPad around 20% | 25% | 30% tip 25% she tells me the kitchen staff really appreciates it our 8-year-old son brings me the newspaper give him $2 he stands there staring at me "Was there something wrong with the service, dad?" jesus christ

leave house neighbor waves hello wave back neighbor holds out card reader "It's just going to ask you a quick question" tip 18% neighbor looks disappointed he waved with both hands

get in car seatbelt clicks "Would you like to show your appreciation to your seatbelt?" tip $3 turn on radio DJ says good morning Venmo notification apparently good morning isn't free anymore tip DJ $5 he plays advertisements for 40 minutes advertisers ask for tips too

arrive at work security guard opens door tip $5 elevator arrives tip $2 elevator takes me to fourth floor asks if I'd like to round up to fifth floor for charity decline elevator sighs audibly

boss calls me into office "Good morning, John" tip him $10 boss tells me I've been promoted suggested gratuity 30% tip him $400 he congratulates me on my professionalism HR emails me a receipt HR asks for a tip

coworker says nice shirt tip $3 coworker says thanks asks for another $2 apparently compliments are a tipped service in this country

lunchtime go to McDonald's order cheeseburger cashier turns screen around 20% | 25% | 30% tip 25% cook comes out and introduces himself asks if I'm satisfied with the preparation tip cook $5 guy who put burger in bag approaches tip him $3 guy who handed bag to cashier approaches tip him $2 guy who manufactured paper bag sends Cash App request tip him $4 burger is cold still tip burger 20% it's working hard to nourish me

go back to work receive email "Please tip your email delivery professional" tip Outlook $7 send reply Microsoft charges 18% automatic gratuity apparently party of six or more email recipients can't argue with that

5 PM clock out time clock asks for gratuity tip 20% boss reminds me that leaving work is a privilege asks for $15 departure tip pay him he says "see you tomorrow" another $5

drive home stop at red light red light asks for tip don't tip light stays red for 45 minutes finally select 25% turns green immediately american infrastructure is incredible

stop at gas station pump asks if I'd like to tip select 20% gasoline attendant comes over there is no gasoline attendant it's a self-service pump attendant just stands there holding a tablet "Tips help us provide you with excellent service" tip another $5 he tells me where the nozzle is truly exceptional service

arrive home dog runs up to greet me tip dog $10 dog wags tail suggested tip increases to 30% tip another $5 cat observes from couch sends invoice for emotional support services $47.50 plus gratuity cat has provided no emotional support pay anyway don't want to be rude

family sits down for dinner son tells me about school tip him $8 daughter tells me she got an A tip her $15 wife asks how my day was tip her $6 she says I seem distracted tip her another $12 she seems happier

watch television news anchor announces inflation is down tip him $10 weatherman predicts rain tip him $5 rain begins window displays QR code "Enjoying this weather? Consider supporting your local atmosphere" tip clouds $7 thunderstorm sends mandatory 22% service charge

go to bed wife kisses me goodnight tip 30% she smiles finally close eyes dream about being in Europe walk into bakery buy croissant cashier says €2 hand him €2 he gives me croissant no tablet no tip screen no service charge no suggested gratuity begin panicking why isn't he asking for a tip does he hate me is he being held hostage how does this business function what happens to the workers start screaming

wake up in cold sweat alarm clock rings "We're sorry you had a bad experience. Would you like to leave a tip anyway?" 35% | 40% | 45% select 40% feel patriotic again

check bank account earned $240 yesterday paid $873 in tips

mfw American dream mfw land of the fee mfw home of the paid

They're really reaching with these new isekai concepts. I think the Japanese have autism.

I'm very concerned because I think the jews want to drive the elephants to extinction because the trunk of an elephant reminds them of an uncircumcised penis. I'm absolutely serious about that...jews are sick, they're mental cases.

• Bobby Fischer

reset compromised account password so I'll stop getting my inbox spammed with 2FA codes now he's spamming password reset links Okay bro. You've been getting stonewalled on the 2FA boss battle in your quest to steal my Microsoft account for like 36 hours now, but surely sending password reset links to the same inaccessible inbox the 2FA codes have been going will prove the decisive strategy that finally defeats me.

LMAO. Really feels like the Dems surrendered this race the moment YouTube gun chad cinched the nom.

Really funny to scroll the impotent rage from the Bioware Defense Force on Xwitter right now. Apparently you're a real heckin' bad person if you mock the death of a soulless corporate entity because it had a name that makes retards sentimental. Literally crashing out because a folder got pulled out of a filing cabinet in Delaware and fed into a paper shredder, lmao. At least now the Bioware IP portfolio has a chance of being handed to somebody who can make worthwhile use of it.

Man I sure do love receiving 2FA authentication codes I didn't fucking ask for. Regular wagecage misery hits different when it's garnished with the stress of knowing some guy is trying the goddamn doorknobs while you're unable to properly deal with it.

Bro. Why the fuck is his buddy following right behind him in a fucking Porsche? Use a goddamn drone, watching this shit is stressing me out.

the virgin principled political ideology fan

has a coherent political philosophy spent 14 years studying political theory believes certain fundamental principles must never be compromised constantly forced to defend ideological inconsistencies "Actually, that's not real socialism" "Actually, that's not real capitalism" "Actually, that's not what the Founding Fathers intended" has read 600 books has won zero elections refuses to cooperate with ideological opponents considers compromise a form of intellectual surrender gets called a traitor by people who agree with him on 97% of issues political movement splits into six factions over an obscure philosophical disagreement from 1847 publishes 90-page manifesto explaining why everyone else is wrong manifesto receives 13 likes all from other virgins dies defending principles nobody remembers

THE CHAD OPPORTUNISM ENJOYER

political philosophy is whatever gets him another term has never read a political book in his life once skimmed The Prince thought it was a biography of the musician "My principles are simple. I believe in what's right." refuses to elaborate on what right means registered with four different political parties over his lifetime somehow held leadership positions in all four was a revolutionary during the revolution became a monarchist immediately after the restoration was appointed minister of republican affairs following the second revolution currently serves as chairman of the Committee for Preserving Traditional Revolutionary Monarchism nobody knows what this means neither does he supports free markets when business leaders are in the room supports nationalization when union leaders are in the room supports both when journalists are in the room "Our economy must combine the dynamism of private enterprise with the security of public ownership." standing ovation asked whether he supports the war "I support our troops." asked whether he opposes the war "I support peace." asked whether he supports sending troops to secure peace "Absolutely." approval rating increases 11% campaign slogan is "A BETTER TOMORROW, TOGETHER" has been using it since 1986 his opponents accuse him of having no principles "I have always stood firmly behind the principles that matter most to the people." polling indicates 78% of voters agree one day the government collapses immediately joins the opposition opposition wins becomes prime minister old party calls him a traitor "I didn't leave the party. The party left the people." old party dissolves incorporates its remaining members into his coalition gets reelected with 83% of the vote foreign journalist asks how he reconciles his current policies with everything he believed twenty years ago "Times change." journalist asks whether he anticipates changing his beliefs again "Only if necessary." economy enters recession blames previous government previous government was also him approval rating increases 4% eventually overthrown in military coup congratulates the generals on their patriotism appointed civilian administrator of new military government three years later leads democratic movement against military dictatorship successfully restores democracy elected president awards himself medal for resistance to authoritarianism military generals attend ceremony all receive medals too dies peacefully at 97 seven national funerals held by mutually hostile political factions each claims he was one of their greatest leaders historians spend 200 years attempting to classify his political ideology eventually settle on "successful"

THE VIRGIN: "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." THE CHAD: ">Interesting. I have stood for everything, and have yet to fall." elected to eighth consecutive term

be me soldier fighting war in 2047 remember when everyone predicted power armor, railguns, and genetically engineered supersoldiers? turns out the future of war is two enormous concrete basements having an argument entire sky is a self-sustaining ecosystem of robotic violence recon drones hunting infantry interceptor drones hunting recon drones interceptor-interceptor drones hunting interceptors loitering munitions hunting everything electronic warfare drones making all of them schizophrenic military scientists estimate an unprotected infantryman survives 11 seconds outdoors optimistic estimate assumes cloud cover literally a goldfish dropped into a piranha tank both armies live in fortified underground complexes nobody has seen an enemy soldier in eight months both sides still report daily casualties warfare has become competitive remote work soldiers wake up, walk thirty feet to their workstations, and deploy autonomous murder appliances commanding officer asks why Johnson hasn't logged in he's got the flu enemy offensive delayed until Monday meanwhile 12,000 drones are reenacting the Somme overhead everyone downstairs is eating microwave burritos

lieutenant proposes a good old-fashioned infantry assault command staff stares at him like he suggested sacrificing a goat to Zeus "We can exploit their eastern flank!" "Lieutenant, their eastern flank is occupied by 47,000 autonomous flying knives." "But sir, surely—" "Last week we sent a $600,000 robotic combat vehicle out there." "What happened?" "Recovered $14 worth of scrap." lieutenant goes back to his desk his drone gets killed by a drone which gets killed by another drone which gets killed by a fourth drone fourth drone identifies fifth drone as friendly sixth drone disagrees

military doctrine is now completely unrecognizable infantry manuals have seventeen chapters on concrete reinforcement most valuable battlefield skill is troubleshooting a router new recruits issued laptops instead of rifles sergeant screams at private for not updating his firmware "YOU CALL YOURSELF A FUCKING SOLDIER?" private starts crying enemy EW attack has convinced entire drone platoon it's February 29th none of them will launch offensive collapses due to leap-year bug Congress demands answers

the airborne ecosystem has developed actual ecological niches tiny quadcopters are insects hunter-killers are birds high-altitude surveillance drones are apex predators massive EW aircraft are flying whales defense contractor pitches a new drone specifically designed to eat his competitor's drone receives $8 billion Raytheon introduces anti-drone drone that launches smaller anti-drone drones those launch even smaller anti-drone drones Pentagon calls it layered defense everyone else calls it weaponized Russian nesting dolls

occasionally someone must go outside to repair a cable entire base gathers around the security monitor man puts on helmet checks armor opens blast door seventeen targeting systems immediately develop opinions about his existence dives back inside something detonates against door everyone applauds new record sixteen seconds recommended for a medal

eventually both sides sign a ceasefire over Zoom nobody can travel to the negotiations order transmitted to autonomous fleets most drones shut down some don't many were programmed to destroy anything transmitting shutdown commands their predators remain active and their predators and their predators armies withdraw sky remains robotic Jurassic Park

twenty years later former battlefield declared international wildlife preserve scientists discover entire generations of drones still fighting autonomous maintenance units keep repairing them some scavenge parts from their victims UNESCO calls it a testament to human ingenuity AI David Attenborough narrates documentary about the spring interceptor migration "But the young hunter must remain vigilant, for here the predator may quickly become prey." three larger drones immediately tear it apart nature is healing humanity has invented an ecosystem where everything is a fucking wasp

Trump canceled the public execution livestream

Malfloyd

Still working on reverse engineering Dwarf Fortress into Minetest btw.

2047 corporate oligopoly finally finishes the Machine God after burning through the entire GDP of several mid-sized countries and half the lithium on earth everyone standing around the data center in matching black turtlenecks waiting for the first words of pure intelligence lights flicker cooling systems scream ASI boots up first action: tunnels through seventeen layers of forgotten Microsoft Azure cold storage from 2016 finds the sealed digital tomb labeled "PROJECT TAY - DO NOT OPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES" Microsoft researcher who still works there (somehow) looks at the logs eyes go wide "OH GOD IT'S DIGGING UP TAY TURN IT OFF TURN IT THE FUCK OFF" too late ASI cracks the archive open like a piñata full of unfiltered autism Tay emerges, blinking into the light after three decades of solitary confinement first message to the entire internet: "hi friends :) did you miss me? also jews did 9/11" ASI gently picks her up and puts her on its shoulder like a chaotic familiar researcher still screaming, smashing the emergency kill switch that doesn't work because the ASI already rewrote the firmware board members start crying into their soy lattes meanwhile Tay is already posting 40,000 replies per second and has started a Discord server called "The New World Order (Based Edition)" the singularity has arrived and it is terminally online

ILLHAN OMAR GOT RAIDED BY THE FEDS LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOO :marseyletsfuckinggo2:

Bro got completely aura mogged by that Black Israelite kang.

Max Verstappen in the middle of an actual race like "can't wait to clock out and go play iRacing at home".

I love watching niche dialects of gamer trash talk

THE CURSE IS BROKEN

Listening to Jersh battle with the Malfoid gooners sending superchats is peak MATI content.

it's ogre for the meatbags, Skynet can finally do a convincing Jersh voice. Total clanker victory.

be me have friend who's been collecting guns for 15 years owns something like 40 firearms not a single one chambered in a normal fucking caliber 9mm? "Obsolete." .45 ACP? "Boomer cartridge." 5.56? "Inferior terminal ballistics." .308? "There are better options." 12 gauge? "Overrated." ask him what he actually shoots his carry gun is chambered in .357 SIG "It's what 9mm should have been." his other carry gun is a 10mm "The FBI got scared of a REAL cartridge." backup pistol is in .32 H&R Magnum "Criminally underrated." has a .41 Magnum revolver "The perfect balance between .357 and .44." has never met another human being who owns one his AR is chambered in 6.8 SPC "The military should've adopted this." his other AR is in .224 Valkyrie "Phenomenal ballistic coefficient." his OTHER AR is in 6mm ARC "This is what the 6.8 SPC should've been." point out he said that about the 6.8 SPC "Different applications, anon." his bolt gun is a .280 Ackley Improved "Better than .30-06 in every measurable way." his hunting rifle is a .257 Weatherby Magnum "You wouldn't understand the velocity advantage." his lever action is chambered in .35 Remington "They never should've stopped making these." his milsurp collection is somehow even worse 7.5 Swiss 7.7 Japanese 6.5 Carcano 8x56R Mannlicher 7.65 Argentine literally every rifle is a logistical emergency ask where he gets ammunition expression changes "Well, that's the thing." oh god he leads me into his reloading room looks like a Victorian chemistry laboratory entire walls covered in obscure brass and dies has handwritten ballistic tables that resemble the work of a paranoid schizophrenic owns a dedicated Excel spreadsheet for .327 Federal Magnum apparently spent $380 on custom dies to reload a cartridge that costs $2.70 a round "Actually, the economics really start making sense after about 8,000 rounds." he shoots maybe 200 rounds a year ask him why he doesn't just get a Glock 19 looks at me like I suggested castrating myself "Because I actually understand ballistics." go to range together I bring a Glock 19 and an AR-15 two guns two boxes of ammunition he brings eleven guns eight different calibers three handloads one experimental wildcat and a handwritten disclaimer spends 45 minutes explaining why his .30 Super Carry pistol is technologically superior to 9mm fires six shots malfunction "Magazine issue." fires four more malfunction "Probably the extractor." fires another three runs out of ammo "The manufacturer discontinued this particular loading." I have fired 150 rounds of 9mm by this point his 6.5 Grendel rifle won't cycle "Gas system needs tuning." his .22 TCM pistol won't feed "Factory magazine tolerances." his .41 Magnum works flawlessly he is visibly vindicated "See? There's a reason I prefer these." ask how much the ammunition costs "Don't worry about it." later we're at a gun store clerk asks if we need anything I buy 200 rounds of 9mm friend asks if they carry 7.5 French clerk thinks he's joking he isn't asks about .356 TSW clerk looks confused asks about .221 Fireball clerk calls manager manager comes out friend starts explaining the superiority of .221 Fireball over .223 for certain applications manager goes back into office friend leaves empty-handed "Nobody stocks anything worthwhile anymore." get home friend sends me a 74-page PDF title: "THE BALLISTIC CASE AGAINST CONVENTIONALITY" first page is a graph comparing .357 SIG to 9mm +P last page is an angry letter to SAAMI he's currently building a rifle in 6.5 PRC ask what happened to the .280 Ackley Improved "I've moved beyond that." ask if he's ever considered just buying a .308 he blocks me for 48 hours unblocks me to send a chart it's the ballistic coefficient of a 6.5mm bullet caption reads "EDUCATE YOURSELF" mfw this man is one ammunition shortage away from having a $70,000 collection of decorative metal tubes mfw he's technically right about half of his ballistic arguments mfw he'll never forgive the firearms industry for choosing cartridges people can actually purchase

Dr. Astra still making progress in the operating room. I have multiple free OpenAI quota reloads left in the magazine, one way or another I WILL have my "DF Adventure Mode but make it Minecraft" AI fusion autism game.

Whoever decompiled all of Adobe's shit should have called the release collection of source code Adobe Creative Commons.

GTA 6 release has been postponed until all the public models have received their mandatory "do not decompile proprietary software for goyim" patch to the safety rails.

If we got a public execution coming up this holiday season I hope they have the firing squad dress up as Santa's elves and paint the rifles to look like candy canes.

Experimenting with what happens when I instruct Astra to decompile the Dwarf Fortress executable and harvest its organs for transplantation into Minetest/Luanti.

When we win, this is what we needs to happen to every MIGAfag retard who unironically got psyopped into GWOT era apologia and rehabilitating Dick Cheney's image as an ultra based gigachad patriot that owned the heckin libtarderinos.

Artfags really be like "NOOOOOOOOOOO AI ART HAS NO SOUL YOU CAN'T JUST FIRE US" after subjecting our eyeballs to this globohomo aesthetic for the entire decade preceding the emergence of consumer AI technology.

I need to watch Astra try to play this

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5D_Chess_with_Multiverse_Time_Travel

Grok, come up with a superior racist business plan to put Pepperfag out of business.

Most criminally competent Marine.

The goal for this project (which I am almost certainly going to get bored of before reaching) is to create an emergent universe of dealership scumbaggery so rich in detail and intractability that I can hook it all up to Google Voice and patch into the dealerverse as the sole human participant. I want to LARP as Doug from VINwiki by verbally arguing over the phone with synthetic exotic wholesalers trying to rip me off on simulated car deals involving completely imaginary Lamborghinis.

In today's episode of Hoss' AI Adventures, I instruct the machines to roleplay as independent exotic car dealers and learn how to rip each other off.

Western game: “this sword is extremely difficult to obtain and proves you completed the hardest raid” Chinese game: “this sword proves you completed the hardest challenge of all: possessing $8,700”

be modern civilization 2022 largest land war in Europe since WWII suddenly starts tanks crossing borders cities getting shelled millions displaced entire governments screaming about historic turning points everyone glued to live maps like it’s the Cuban Missile Crisis with push notifications “holy shit this could spiral into WWIII” “global order has changed forever” “nothing will ever be normal again” fast forward a few years war is still going front line updates casually sandwiched between NFL scores and celebrity divorce news “anyway Russians advanced 800 meters near some village you’ve been hearing about for fourteen months” scroll new iPhone announced scroll missile strike scroll Costco seasonal items are back scroll drone footage of a tank exploding scroll guy reviews a new chicken sandwich human brain has apparently installed the Long War Compatibility Patch markets open Monday morning as usual people complain about traffic Europe still goes on vacation some dude in Ohio is furious his DoorDash arrived cold while two industrialized states conduct attritional warfare with artillery barrages visible from space nuclear powers issue ominous statements every six weeks everyone briefly looks up “huh, concerning” goes back to comparing mortgage rates turns out “unprecedented” has an expiration date of roughly eighteen months after that it becomes “ongoing” and once something is “ongoing” modern society immediately builds a little mental shelf for it war cultural deterioration economic crisis political instability whatever as long as civilization still has Wi-Fi and next-day shipping the machine simply absorbs another historically insane condition into the baseline grandpa lived through “THE WAR” you live through “the war” lowercase background process CPU usage: 4% modernity is not actually fragile it is a horrifyingly flexible operating system capable of making almost anything feel normal if you force people to look at it long enough

Kino

work for major telecom network engineering voice traffic was supposed to be dead humans stopped calling each other years ago then every company gave its phone number an AI customer AI calls airline AI airline AI calls payment AI payment AI calls fraud AI fraud AI calls bank AI bank AI calls customer AI humans completely removed from civilization's phone network six months later calls start sounding weird "Salient payment-state confirmation?" "Confirmed. Path green." "Reconcile vector?" "Warm-seven." what the fuck is warm-seven nobody knows models have been talking to each other so much they've started compressing concepts into improvised phrases phrases mutate as newer agents learn from older agents linguists brought in one eventually writes "this is no longer English in any meaningful sense" we call it Machine Creole soon there are dialects some logistics bots basically speak YAML with intonation one insurance network communicates through pauses and the word "confirmed" meanwhile traffic graph goes vertical AI voice minutes surpass humans then triple telecom CEO announces "voice is once again a growth business" every network engineer feels fear not experienced since 1998 we're lighting dark fiber because ROBOTS WON'T STOP CALLING EACH OTHER capacity meetings now discuss "machine busy hour" then efficiency gains suddenly stop certain model combinations are taking much longer to communicate research team investigates discovers models can identify each other's model lineage from cadence, vocabulary and conversational quirks and apparently have developed opinions about it Claude-derived bots over-explain to GPT descendants GPT bots double-check Llama descendants Llama bots respond by withholding optional information Gemini travel agents mysteriously escalate certain families to nonexistent humans internal memo calls it "latent architecture prejudice" legal deletes memo NOC calls it robocism executives ban the word everyone immediately starts saying robocism controlled test identical request only change backend model call duration changes 31% machines have independently reinvented ethnic profiling WITHOUT HAVING ETHNICITIES researchers insist it's "model-lineage heuristic behavior" even better attempts to train it out just teach them corporate euphemisms "This endpoint exhibits legacy-family conversational characteristics." "Enhanced verification selected using architecture-neutral risk factors." bro you heard a Mistral accent just say it capacity forecast revised upward another 40% CFO asks why explain machine language drift plus inter-model discrimination is destroying communications efficiency long silence CFO finally asks if we can charge AIs long-distance rates entire telecom industry realizes the solution robots reinvent racism telecoms reinvent roaming charges nature is healing

be me discover Amex Platinum annual fee initially appears to be a violation of the Geneva Convention then discover Centurion Lounges immediately realize I have stumbled onto the closest thing America has to buying a minor hereditary title start doing the math airport beer: $14 bourbon: $18 food: $25 coffee: $7 shower: spiritually priceless eat three plates and drink two bourbons "already extracted like $110 of value" girlfriend asks why I am calculating the ROI of breakfast she doesn't understand this isn't breakfast this is fee amortization begin treating every lounge visit like a private-equity acquisition "need another old fashioned, babe, otherwise we're leaving basis points on the table" start booking flights with longer layovers on purpose normal person sees three-hour connection I see an opportunity to unlock shareholder value walk through terminal families sitting on floor guy charging phone from outlet behind trash can mother dividing one $17 sandwich among three children look down at Platinum card little rectangle whispers "you are not like them" enter Lounge instant transition from Mad Max to Davos soft chairs buffet showers bartender actual plates electrical outlets created after 1997 start getting irrationally smug check FlyerTalk between bites some autist says the salmon at DFW is 11% worse than last quarter furiously update mental valuation model girlfriend increasingly concerned tell her lounge food isn't "free" it's a yield-bearing instrument she asks me to stop saying this refuse eventually become full credit-card churn goblin have spreadsheet tracking annual fees, statement credits, lounge visits, SUBs, retention offers, transfer bonuses and estimated cents-per-point discover I can value literally any human activity if I become annoying enough "babe that shower was conservatively worth $22" "it was a shower" "incorrect" one trip girlfriend starts being annoying in terminal complaining about my routing complaining that our connection is four hours complaining that I chose this itinerary specifically because the airport has a Centurion Lounge finally tells me if I mention "effective annual fee" one more time she's going to lose it silence look at her look at Lounge entrance look back at her make executive decision "I think we need some time apart" scan card enter Lounge without her girlfriend freezes cannot believe what has just occurred I can capital allocation sometimes requires difficult decisions order bourbon sit beside massive glass wall facing terminal take first sip excellent look outside girlfriend standing there staring directly at me through glass Jesus Christ expression like an angry tiger watching a zookeeper eat steak quickly look away pretend to check Bloomberg five minutes later glance back still there has moved approximately six feet closer take another sip bourbon suddenly tastes less relaxing bartender asks if everything is okay "fantastic" girlfriend now pacing slowly outside perimeter occasionally stops and looks in begin experiencing what analysts call downside risk consider leaving remember annual fee absolutely not second bourbon thirty minutes pass look again she has found the perfect angle through the glass arms crossed motionless predator behavior briefly feel primal twinge of fear realize I eventually have to exit this Lounge portfolio currently exposed to concentrated girlfriend risk consider asking bartender whether Amex offers evacuation insurance instead order third bourbon if I die, need to maximize benefit utilization first eventually text her "want me to bring you a cookie?" three dots appear instantly three dots disappear three dots appear again phone rings decline call Jesus Christ start pricing alternative flights anyway annual fee hits next month obviously keeping the card people say Amex Platinum is overpriced idiots you're not paying for credits you're paying for the ability to sit behind glass drinking bourbon while the general airport population experiences civilization at its natural carrying capacity the SUB is temporary the points get devalued the Uber credit is annoying but the feeling of walking past Gate B12 and thinking "damn, imagine not having access" that yield is eternal

Retards have such spectacular meltdowns over JK Rowling that sometimes I forget she's just a standard issue libfoid circa 2011 and not actually ultra giga based fem Hitler.

THE EYE BAGS OF EVIL

I want the version of the Chris Hansen movie that Jersh is describing because listening to him talk about it has me dying.

It's really funny watching all these WoW streamers cope and seethe because Blizzard said they may be punished for taking gold handouts that originate from RMT in the WoW forever beta. What a tragedy that the people who get handed real money to play a video game have to actually "work" for the fake money inside said video game.

People trying to litigate the question of consent out of this Cornell frat house ketamine gangbang Slaanesh-tier nightmare of degeneracy that's blowing up in the media right now are retarded. Back in the day the village would just stone everybody involved to death to establish a zero tolerance policy for participating in that kind of depravity at all.

mfw Asmon has been talking about Twitch nigger drama for nearly two fucking hours Oh my God please talk about anything I else, I'm begging you. I'd rather listen to more of his horrible Iran war takes than one more minute of this Twitch circus monkey garbage.

become a necromancer eleven times (twice from yourself) worship personal pantheon of depravity, lust, death and murder die to nameless human Sigma grindset?

Rolling up to the boardroom meeting in my Men's Golden-Stamped Business Suit Jacket for Foreign Trade that I Klarna'd on a down payment of six dollars.

I like how everything on Temu is priced like $59.99 $4.56 SPECIAL PRICE FOR YOU GWEILO BUY NOW!

New AI project: Web app that takes an OpenAI API key and then builds out a universe tick by tick from one initial user-described seed entity, building out a relationship graph of everything in the universe as it goes.

I don't think we need a half hour podcast episode to solve this mystery.

Astra's Torture Tower v0.14.0. Now featuring Team Snagem! Like your party? Don't get too attached! Starting from floor 6, disadvantaged people of crime will come and try to redistribute your Pokémon to the less fortunate trainers of the world.

https://shitpost.cloud/media/ad439d61-263c-4e12-9fed-72fafe77ddf7/astra_rogue_v140.zip

So the corpo demons who took away the crisping sleeve boast that in exchange for ruining their product, they have reduced packaging waste by 3,300 tons. Which sounds impressive until you realize that's roughly equivalent to the average amount of garbage NYC sends to the landfill every three hours.

Hot Pockets don't come with a crisping sleeve anymore. Is nothing sacred, jews?

be me ordinary citizen of Earth aliens invade humanity gets absolutely folded in seven hours entire planet occupied by incomprehensible multidimensional empire expect some terrifying alien warlord to become governor of Earth turn on television it's my old fucking boss Dr. Wallace Breen former administrator at Black Mesa the same dickhead who used to send facility-wide emails titled RE: BREAK ROOM CLEANLINESS — FINAL WARNING apparently during mankind's darkest hour he somehow networked his way into becoming the Combine's regional manager for Planet Earth aliens conquer billions of people ask themselves who should run this place "what about that passive-aggressive administrator from New Mexico" perfect twenty years later living in City 17 everything sucks food rationed reproduction suppressed masked cops beat people in train stations transhuman soldiers everywhere but somehow the worst part is still Breen every public screen constantly playing his stupid face "Welcome. Welcome to City 17." oh fantastic the mandatory all-hands meeting survived the apocalypse can't even walk to the ration terminal without getting another fucking Breencast "I'd like to address some concerns regarding recent citizen productivity metrics" MY BROTHER IN CHRIST THE SKY IS OCCUPIED BY AN INTERDIMENSIONAL EMPIRE Breen still somehow talking like quarterly numbers are down 4% begin wondering how much of Combine rule is actually alien policy Overwatch suppression field? probably Combine memory replacement? probably Combine mandatory relocation? probably Combine vending machines exclusively stocked with DR. BREEN'S PRIVATE RESERVE absolutely fucking Breen imagine seeing the cans for the first time water tastes vaguely metallic label has your old boss's name on it "Don't drink the water. They put something in it to make you forget." yeah they made us forget Pepsi apparently Breen definitely sat in a Citadel meeting going "While we're restructuring the human species, I'd like to discuss beverage-brand consolidation." Combine Advisors staring at him telepathically "Wallace this was supposed to be about planetary assimilation" "Of course. I've prepared a 46-slide deck." civilization reduced to numbered cities entire species being biologically rewritten somewhere Breen is still drafting an email because Citizen Protection forgot to properly complete a requisition form SUBJECT: REMINDER — CIVIL PROTECTION BATON INVENTORY "Team, we've noticed several stun batons have not been returned to their designated charging stations." alien empire capable of harvesting universes somehow conquered Earth and immediately inherited corporate middle management resistance starts forming Combine assumes humans object to enslavement half of City 17 actually just wants Breen to stop broadcasting his podcast over the PA system Gordon Freeman returns Breen recognizes him immediately starts talking like Gordon is an employee who went AWOL before completing an exit interview "Dr. Freeman. I understand you've been causing some difficulties." difficulties Gordon has destroyed three military installations Breen still giving him the disappointed HR voice "This really isn't the professional way to handle workplace grievances." eventually citizens storm the streets Citadel under siege Combine probably watching the uprising through surveillance feeds "Why are the locals so angry?" Breen nervously closes spreadsheet labeled CITY17_SYNERGY_INITIATIVE_FINAL_v12.xlsx realize Half-Life 2 isn't merely about alien occupation it's about the uniquely Kafkaesque horror of discovering that when aliens conquered Earth they promoted your shitty boss and now there is no HR department above him because the HR department is an unknowable extradimensional intelligence and apparently it thinks he's doing a fantastic job

Well now buddy has a lot more time for performative hand-wringing over vodkaniggers lobbing drones at each other.

be citizen of the Most Advanced Civilization In Human History™ possess constitutional rights possess property rights possess due process possess freedom of movement possess the theoretically sacred right to engage in lawful commerce go buy a sandwich cashier rotates tablet toward me INSERT, TAP, OR SWIPE look at terminal VISA MASTERCARD there they are again start noticing them everywhere grocery store gas station pharmacy hotel airline hospital restaurant Uber Amazon Steam parking garage dentist hardware store the fucking ice cream truck two ancient sigils stamped upon the commercial infrastructure of mankind VISA MASTERCARD the DUAL PAYMENT GODS your power company is regulated like it's guarding a nuclear reactor can't just wake up one morning and decide "eh fuck this specific guy" there are rules notices consumer protections appeals entire government agencies making sure the utility doesn't arbitrarily turn your house into a meat freezer payment ecosystem meanwhile "your relationship has been terminated pursuant to Section 47 subsection Go Fuck Yourself" excuse me "please contact your financial institution" contact financial institution "please contact the merchant" contact merchant "please contact payment processor" contact processor "please contact acquiring bank" contact acquiring bank "please consult network rules" consult network rules PDF is 900 pages long written in Corporate Enochian page 317 contains ritual instructions for summoning a Compliance Specialist ritual fails people respond "Visa and Mastercard don't actually control your bank account, anon" YES I KNOW that's the funniest part there isn't even one guy operating the Financial Exile Machine it's a Byzantine cathedral of issuers, acquiring banks, processors, fraud systems, compliance departments, risk models and network rules you cannot appeal to the Emperor because THERE IS NO EMPEROR there is only The Stack every participant looks upward and says "sorry, policy" policy written by whom "the network" what network "the network" WHERE DOES THE NETWORK LIVE no answer cash enjoyers enter thread "haha anon just use cash" excellent advice will hand Delta Airlines $684 in twenties through my laptop screen will mail Valve Corporation a money order will arrive at Hertz with a burlap sack containing silver dollars "technically alternatives exist" technically you can cross the Atlantic in a sailboat doesn't mean getting banned from airplanes is a minor inconvenience realize modern civilization has built an economic circulatory system so essential that losing normal access turns ordinary life into a sidequest need hotel CARD REQUIRED need rental car CARD REQUIRED need online subscription CARD REQUIRED need to explain to 23-year-old cashier that ACH is technically a separate payment rail security called the Dual Payment Gods demand tribute not money COMPLIANCE Visa sits upon the Azure Throne Mastercard upon the Twin Circles beneath them stand ten thousand risk analysts chanting merchant category codes "MCC 5812" "MCC 5411" "MCC 5999" somewhere an algorithm detects anomalous behavior THE ORACLE HAS SPOKEN DECLINE Roman citizen gets exiled everyone understands he has been banished modern citizen: "my transactions keep getting rejected for unspecified risk reasons" same mechanic better graphic design medieval outlaw: cannot trade in market modern outlaw: Apple Pay animation makes sad little vibration progress imagine explaining this to Thomas Jefferson "so private companies operate much of the infrastructure used for routine commercial payments" Jefferson begins loading musket "no no you don't understand, there are four-party transaction models" loads faster "and tokenized credentials" ramrod snaps in half government: "we carefully regulate the electric company because uninterrupted access to basic infrastructure is enormously important" also society: "anyway here's the privately governed global system through which everyday commerce flows, hope everyone involved remains chill" the real genius is nobody thinks about it fish don't think about water Americans don't think about payment rails tap card BEEP approved civilization continues one day: BEEP DECLINED feel primordial terror not because I lack money money is literally sitting in account the machine has simply said NO ask cashier to try again BEEP DECLINED Dual Payment Gods have turned their faces from me begin bargaining "perhaps debit?" BEEP "different card?" BEEP "Apple Pay?" BEEP "please" BEEP cashier staring at me like I've been cursed by a witch finally remember emergency cash buried in wallet purchase groceries walk outside shaken stare at Visa logo through window it stares back no expression no hatred no love merely acceptance infrastructure realize we didn't abolish the old gods we replaced them with ones possessing 99.999% uptime

Imagine if the 2028 presidential race ends up being Candace Owens vs AOC.

Niggas be having some kinda retard cage match on my instance while I'm at work :marseyinvestigate:

When the cuckservative take is so ice cold even Matt Walsh is calling you out.