Ignacio Pereyra
Journalist and writer. Recalculating is my newsletter about masculinity, fatherhood and identity crisis. Men and fathers, let’s talk! https://ipereyra.substack.com/about
Napoli 🇮🇹
Irene was off on a trip, and many new questions came into play: how was baby León going to sleep when he had never known bottle nor dummy? How was he going to sleep without the breast at 21 months? What was going to happen to Lorenzo, aged five, to have to wait for me to put his little brother to sleep first?
#parenting #fatherhood
“The problem with the research isn’t the way it presents caregiving as a burden, but how it presents it only as a burden, with little curiosity on what makes it a burden, and even less on what makes it an opportunity.”
Elissa Strauss in When You Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others
https://maternalstressproject.substack.com/p/making-room-for-joy
Parenthood’s small battles. The horrible and the positive aspects of the "terrible twos." From adorable baby to mischievous little goblin. Recipes, frustration, and strategies. A small victory on a chaotic morning.
If you know strategies that work well for you or have ideas triggered by this text — tricks? resources? — please hit reply and share!
Parenting in the smartphone age brings unexpected challenges. From toddlers fixated on digital screens during potty training to the impact of "constant connectivity" on family life. Are smartphones solving problems or creating new ones in early childhood?
https://slate.com/life/2024/05/smartphone-parenting-toddler-potty-training.html
11/18/2024, 1 engagement
Women are not only ahead in planning the family’s tasks, but they also remember (and organize) those of the rest of the family members: "Did you call the pediatrician?", "Did you find out if we can take the dog or where to leave it for the vacations?", and a long list of etceteras. This leads to what is commonly referred to as "hidden mental load".
And no, my friend, women do not have a factory setup that makes them better at these tasks than men. It's not much of a mystery: these are skills that are acquired and developed with practice. There is no special female biology, which men were denied in their DNA that comes with remarkable domestic or caregiving skills (or for everything we men don't do because they supposedly do it better).
More here: https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/what-is-the-invisible-work-that-we
From my garden, good morning! 😃
11/14/2024, 1 engagement
On a global level, women do 76.2% of all of the care work which is not remunerated, dedicating 3.2 times more time to these tasks than men, according to the International Labour Organisation (ILO).
As an exercise, let’s ask ourselves: Who is researching, looking for, finding, choosing and closing the deal on a specialist, pediatrician or therapist to cover the range of needs at different stages of childhood? Who skips work when a child gets sick and can’t go to school? And why is it like this?
11/14/2024, 5 engagements
A good start is asking ourselves several questions:
Why does one of us do the job better than the other? Do I have a natural talent for cleaning bathrooms? Why doesn’t the other one want to learn how to do that? And what’s behind it? A lack of trust? Reproducing co-dependency conditions? A rush of territorial control?
If what I do — remunerated work or knowing everything about my children — gives me a determined role and space in a relationship, what happens if I let it go? Can I become expendable, or less desirable?
https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/the-invisible-labor-of-motherhood
As a father, I go back to the role of son for a while and discover things about my parents. Their music, habits and upbringing. Is it harder now to be a parent than it was before? #fatherhood
https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/thinking-about-my-late-parents-on
11/6/2024, 2 engagements
How does it feel to live without a smartphone? ‘Almost spiritual’
Do you agree?
11/5/2024, 2 engagements
Nimona 🙃 #saturday #kids
11/2/2024, 2 engagements
😍🧡🐣
10/30/2024, 3 engagements
It’s hard to strike a balance between how hard it is to be a father versus the joy and wholesomeness of having children. The yin and yang to paternity always fall short: either you whinge too much, or you’re too much of a romanticist.
How do you avoid the binaries which are so definitive of this era - that you don’t have to be A or B, but rather A and B (and C, and all of the alphabet together). How to achieve stability and harmony between the opposing, different, complementary and interconnected forces that coexist in #parenthood?
https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/public-complaint-private-joy
Frequent Moves During Childhood Increases Risk of Depression, Study Finds–Here's What Parents Can Do. Do you agree?
https://www.parents.com/study-finds-moving-during-childhood-contributes-to-depression-8682250
The human brain can tackle one task at a time properly; switching tasks is another thing, though at the end you always end up doing one thing at a time.
Think You're Multitasking? Think Again
https://www.npr.org/2008/10/02/95256794/think-youre-multitasking-think-again
U.S. psychologist Joshua Ziesel described his effort to be more egalitarian by organizing his daughter's birthday. How hard could it be?
It is basic arithmetic: if the man takes over more tasks, the other person will do less. Why? Because it is the just and equitable thing to do.
What is the invisible work that we men have trouble seeing?
https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/what-is-the-invisible-work-that-we
What is more important than knowing that your children's happiness does not depend only on their parents?
https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/focusing-on-whats-most-important
Not bad to finish the day…
A reader of my newsletter shared (thanks, C!) this scene from the sketch show Inside Amy Schumer with me.
A group of friends are happily boasting about their sex lives — but no one likes it when the topic switches to what one of them liked to do behind closed doors with his wife.
What do you think about?
10/22/2024, 1 engagement
Why does a “common” guy challenge an athlete?
https://www.tiktok.com/@lahnazak/video/7313670836416777502
#masculinity
“My sons Augie and Levi, now ages 11 and 7, have pushed me to leave the cocoon of my own subjective experience and observe the world with a newfound intensity and sensitivity. I’ve learned how to pay better attention to others and, ultimately, myself. People go on meditation retreats, long hikes in the forest, travel continents, or read great books to discover such things. I’ve tried and benefited from all of those, but none of them have led me to as much insight and expansion as being a parent,” said Elissa Strauss.
How did having children change your life?
https://elissa.substack.com/p/having-kids-hurt-my-career-but-not
10/16/2024, 1 engagement
Less macho but more free
I want to write what I would have liked to read when I felt lost in my first year as a father, when I didn't realize I was going through an identity crisis with no role models to follow.
But in addition to questioning gender roles in childcare, Recalculating wants to address other issues that are important to men (issues such as sexual harassment, pornography, homophobia or bullying).
In no way do I intend to position myself as a judge of what is right. I want to shake off stereotypes and, a bit like children, to ask ourselves again why this or that is so and so.
My starting point is to accept what I don't know, trying to be transparent and honest. I do this because I want to and because I can. And I do this from my place of privilege: that of a white, middle-class man who has always been attracted to women, is married and has a son.
Hopefully this is a space to open doors and possibilities, a place that helps us think about how and why we men do things. To question what kind of men we want to be and improve how we behave. To recalculate and find new courses that make us less macho but more free.
I hope that my personal disorientation and discomfort will spark my personal review and change which, hopefully, will contribute towards a collective process. Because, above all, I imagine that it will be something collective that will guide us towards a more inclusive, fairer and more equitable path. For that purpose, it is fundamental to join up voices.
This is how Recalculating begins. As a permanent invitation to dialogue. I would love for you to share your thoughts and learn from you, by listening to what you have to say and having you correct my mistakes. I would love for us to be in touch and to create a community that helps us improve. Will you help me?
#fatherhood
https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/this-is-where-recalculating-begins
10/15/2024, 1 engagement
I’ll start publishing more soon. In the meantime, you can check out an article I wrote for USA Today about what happen with fathers that work from home in the U.S. when they become their children’s main caregivers.
Hello everyone! I’m new here #introduction. I’m a nomad journalist writing Recalculating, a very personal newsletter about fatherhood and masculinity. But… What is Recalculating? Who am I? My goal? Why subscribe? All these here: https://ipereyra.substack.com/about
10/14/2024, 11 engagements